September 12th, 2007

Knitting-themed Wednesday.

Posted at 11:53 pm | Link | 0 comments | Leave a comment
Knitting group was tonight, and it was really good to see everyone and sit around. I was really tired as I left work, but yet again I found it was totally worth it to steer myself toward knitting group instead of giving in and going home to bed early.

I bought Crazy Aunt Purl's book today, and I'm reading it now.

Or, I *was* reading it, and then I had to stop and have a Break for Crying. Laurie's chapter about her parents realising she's not ok and coming to look after her made me think of all the awfulness of my few-years-ago life, and how I so wanted to lean on my parents but they just didn't have the substance anymore.

I remember being broken over James, absolutely desolate and terrified at how much it hurt, thinking it would be all right to curl up with my head in Mom's lap and just cry. She was already very ill from the Alzheimer's, but I thought, She's still my Mom, This is still ok. So I curled up and cried, and she put her hand on my head the way she used to when I was little, and I was comforted until I picked my head up again and saw that she was really, really upset. She didn't understand what was wrong with me--even though I'd told her again and again--and she wanted to make it better but she didn't know how, and I think it scared her.

So, after that, I had to just keep it in as much as I could, and lean on myself. It took me a long time to get through the awfulness of losing what seemed like my whole life--future with chosen mate, home in most-beloved country, academic career, and my mother--and I didn't really do a stellar job of it... you know, it's not the sort of empowering story you'd make a movie out of.

Still, I did it; I lived through it. Sometimes I get weepy because I wish my Dad had been there for me the way Crazy Aunt Purl's was, etc., but whatever. She had awfulness to live through too, and I'm so glad for her. It makes me smile.

End of slightly-overshare-y post.

P.S. I am knitting a jacket for a friend's baby. See that? It's KNITTING CONTENT. I am so to-the-point.